'Tis the Season...

To all my Democrat friends: 

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. 


To all my Republican friends: 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

May GOD BLESS YOU AND YOURS!

For how long?

So today at work I have run out of things to do.  Whenever that is the case, I 'get' (read: am forced) to read tax updates -- changes in tax laws, regulations, and administrative procedures.  Believe me, it's nowhere near as exciting as it sounds.  Right now I'm reading about substantiation and reporting requirements for charitable deductions.

You: YAWN!

Me: I know...

Anyway, I came to this part that talks about how long to keep an appraisal in your records.  The tax regulation says this: "for as long as it may be relevant in the administration of the internal revenue laws."  (emphasis added)

I don't think anyone actually knows what that means.  In fact, I think that the people who write the tax laws and regulations actually get paid by the word, and that phrase gets them a whole lot more money than simply writing "forever" would.

No wonder people keep talking about overhauling the tax code.

Take Cover!

My wife got this email today at school:

University Police would like the campus community to know that the

helicopter buzzing our campus is not a threat.

The university has hired the helicopter to help with a film that is being 

prepared. Filming is scheduled to continue through today and Saturday.

We apologize for the disturbance.

Apparently people in the Provo, Utah area are a little paranoid, and think they're under attack.  I'm not sure what the helicopter they're using looks like, but I'm pretty sure that unless it looks like this:

...there should be no cause for alarm.  Unless, of course, they're attending BYU-Baghdad.

Juice

I am getting over a cold, and my wife is starting her cold (we share everything).  Over the past couple of weeks -- and for the next couple of weeks -- my wife and I have been (and will be) drinking a lot of juice.  We usually buy the frozen concentrate because it's cheaper than the stuff that comes in the cartons or jugs.  We've noticed that often the stuff in the cartons and jugs is from concentrate anyway, so we figure we're being money-wise.

So, I was making up some juice the other day, and I looked at the label to make sure that I didn't add too much (or too little) water.  You know, it's pretty sick to try to drink watered-down juice.  Anyway, I looked at the label and the instructions said to mix 1 can of concentrate with about 3 cans of water... that's pretty much the standard ratio.  But what intrigues me is what's printed right above the nutrition facts.  Take a look:

"Contains 100% juice when properly reconstituted."

Umm... what does it contain before it's properly reconstituted?  300% juice?

Now for the happy news...

As promised, here is a bit of happy news. Remember how I needed to pass one more section of the CPA exam?

Well I have been checking for my score online every day (usually more than once a day) since I took the test on July 26th. I checked again this morning before I left for work, and there was the same message as was there the past four weeks: "Error. Score not found."

I checked when I got to work, and there was no longer that message. Instead, there was my name with a number beneath. I needed a score of 75 to pass, and I scored 88. Yay! Not only did I pass, but I PASSED!!

So now I get to take the two state parts (one is an ethics exam, and the other is an open-book rules & procedures exam). Once I pass those two tests, I get to be a CPA!

I'm pretty happy about it all.

The answer is no!

My wife and I went camping this past weekend with some friends from our old neighborhood. We went up to the Spruces campground in Big Cottonwood Canyon. It was a blast with the 6 families and nearly 20 kids that were there, however, three of the families didn't stay the night since they had "stuff" going on Saturday morning. Too bad for them.

One of the best parts of camping for me is just sitting around the fire. The parents in the group sent their kids to bed after s'mores and the adults sat around the fire until about 1 am, and then we all decided to turn in. My wife and I went to our small tent and the other two families went to their (really, really nice) trailers. We're not jealous, because we like our tent and the queen-sized air mattress that we use.

Speaking of our air mattress, about a month or so ago we loaned it to some friends. They were getting married, they had a bunch of family coming in from out of town, and they wanted a place for them to sleep (I guess because the Hampton Inn was full?). So they asked to borrow our air mattress. Fine enough, but after they brought it back to us, we noticed that the charger for our air pump was not in the bag. Apparently it is nowhere to be found. We were pretty annoyed about that, but we figured we could maybe buy a new pump or charger or something. I checked the pump, and it still had a good charge so we decided we'd still take it on this weekend camp.

Anyway, we hadn't inflated our air mattress before going to bed, mostly because we were in a hurry to get going on dinner earlier in the evening. So we unrolled our air mattress and pulled out our little air pump to blow it up. I looked around the air mattress and found the hole where the pump goes, and I was about to put the pump in and start it up when I realized... the plug that goes in that hole to keep all the air in the air mattress is gone. Not there. Missing. Presumably it's in the same abyss that our charger is in.

At that point, we were pretty ticked, but we were so tired that we just left the air mattress out flat, put some blankets and a sleeping bag underneath us, and covered ourselves with blankets to try to sleep. At least there were weeds underneath the tent and not rocks and dirt. I think maybe we had a little bit more padding with the weeds.

Now our air mattress is completely useless and we have to buy a new one. They're not very expensive, but still...

So the moral of this story is if anyone asks us to borrow our stuff from now on, the answer is no. Other people never seem to take care of our stuff like we want it taken care of.

There you go... a Monday gripe. Stay tuned for some happy news!

Mosquitoes

Can anyone tell me why on earth these little blood-suckers were invented? What purpose could they possibly serve, other than to annoy me?

I got bit by one a few days ago. In my house. While I was sleeping. On my knuckle.

Whenever I get bit by a mosquito, the bite swells up huge. I must be allergic or something. Because of the location of this bite, it now looks like I either have a case of rheumatoid arthritis or a tumor on my knuckle. Oh... and it itches really bad and hurts like... well, yeah.

I'm convinced that mosquitoes didn't exist in the Garden of Eden. How could they exist in a paradise like that? Doesn't seem to me like much of a paradise if they are there.

I'm in favor of completely eradicating mosquitoes from the planet. I don't think we'd see any nasty effects when these become extinct. I know dragonflies and some types of fish feed on them, but I'm sure those species could find something else to eat.

Mailman Humor

Today's joke from the mailman:

Q: When do you know a politician is telling the truth?

A: When he calls another politician a liar.


_

Camping and Poetry

So it's summertime. It's hot in the valley, and I'm wishing I was camping in the mountains. My wife and I haven't been camping yet this year. We usually try to go a few times in the spring, summer, or fall, but this year we've been kinda busy. Hopefully we'll get a chance in a few weeks or so.

So what does the fact that we haven't been camping this year have to do with poetry (as my subject might suggest)? Not much, actually. Except that often when I think of camping, I think back to when I was a Boy Scout and we would go on a week-long camp every year at the East Fork of the Bear River in the Uintas. At this camp every year on an evening of his choosing, our Assistant Scoutmaster would gather us around the campfire and recite a poem. It wasn't some fruity "roses are red" kind of poem -- it was definitely a "manly poem." He always told us the same poem, and it has become one of my favorites.

Here it is for your enjoyment.
_________________________________________

The Cremation of Sam McGee
by Robert Service

There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.

Now Sam McGee was from Tennessee, where the cotton blooms and blows.
Why he left his home in the South to roam ‘round the Pole, God only knows.
He was always cold, but the land of gold seemed to hold him like a spell;
Though he’d often say in his homely way that “he’d sooner live in hell.”

On a Christmas Day we were mushing our way over the Dawson trail.
Talk of your cold! through the parka’s fold it stabbed like a driven nail.
If our eyes we’d close, then the lashes froze till sometimes we couldn’t see;
It wasn’t much fun, but the only one to whimper was Sam McGee.

And that very night, as we lay packed tight in our robes beneath the snow,
And the dogs were fed, and the stars o’erhead were dancing heel and toe,
He turned to me, and “Cap,” says he, “I’ll cash in this trip, I guess;
And if I do, I’m asking that you won’t refuse my last request.”

Well, he seemed so low that I couldn’t say no; then he says with a sort of moan:
“It’s the cursed cold, and it’s got right hold till I’m chilled clean through to the bone.
Yet ‘taint being dead—it’s my awful dread of the icy grave that pains;
So I want you to swear that, foul or fair, you’ll cremate my last remains.”

A pal’s last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail;
And we started on at the streak of dawn; but God! he looked ghastly pale.
He crouched on the sleigh, and he raved all day of his home in Tennessee;
And before nightfall a corpse was all that was left of Sam McGee.

There wasn’t a breath in that land of death, and I hurried, horror-driven,
With a corpse half hid that I couldn’t get rid, because of a promise given;
It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say: “You may tax your brawn and brains,
But you promised true, and it’s up to you to cremate those last remains.”

Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.
In the days to come, though my lips were dumb, in my heart how I cursed that load.
In the long, long night, by the lone firelight, while the huskies, round in a ring,
Howled out their woes to the homeless snows—O God! how I loathed the thing.

And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy and heavier grow;
And on I went, though the dogs were spent and the grub was getting low;
The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in;
And I’d often sing to the hateful thing, and it hearkened with a grin.

Till I came to the marge of Lake Lebarge, and a derelict there lay;
It was jammed in the ice, but I saw in a trice it was called the “Alice May.”
And I looked at it, and I thought a bit, and I looked at my frozen chum;
Then “Here,” said I, with a sudden cry, “is my cre-ma-tor-eum.”

Some planks I tore from the cabin floor, and I lit the boiler fire;
Some coal I found that was lying around, and I heaped the fuel higher;
The flames just soared and the furnace roared—such a blaze you seldom see;
Then I burrowed a hole in the glowing coal, and I stuffed in Sam McGee.

Then I made a hike, for I didn’t like to hear him sizzle so;
And the heavens scowled, and the huskies howled, and the wind began to blow.
It was icy cold, but the hot sweat rolled down my cheeks, and I don’t know why;
And the greasy smoke in an inky cloak went streaking down the sky.

I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with grisly fear;
But the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near;
I was sick with dread, but I bravely said: “I’ll just take a peep inside.
I guess he’s cooked, and it’s time I looked;” . . . then the door I opened wide.

And there sat Sam, looking cool and calm, in the heart of the furnace roar;
And he wore a smile you could see a mile, and he said: “Please close that door.
It’s fine in here, but I greatly fear you’ll let in the cold and storm—
Since I left Plumtree, down in Tennessee, it’s the first time I’ve been warm.”

There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.

_________________________________________

Monday Jokes

Here are some jokes for your Monday morning. They might not be politically-correct, so if you are easily offended, maybe you should just keep on surfing.

Are you ready? Here we go!


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the front porch?
Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a lake?
Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the bushes?
Russell

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to waterski?
Skip

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mailbox?
Bill

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs in a stream?
Brooke

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pot of water?
Stu

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who also has no head?
Chester

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who fell in a meat grinder?
Chuck

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole 6 feet deep?
Doug

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole 3 feet deep?
Douglas

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the restroom?
John

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a piece of paper?
Mark


I'm so immature.
~

Happy Birthday!

Today is my birthday. I am 31. This means that I now have to check a different age group box when I take surveys. That's pretty much all age 31 means anymore.

Do you know what's really cool about having a July 3rd birthday, though? Aside from so many firework celebrations across the country in my honor, July 3rd is also the birthday of Quebec City in Canada. Quebec City is 400 years old today! I guess all across Canada today bells were ringing out in celebration of Quebec City (and myself, of course).

On this day in 1608, French explorer Samuel de Champlain founded a fur trading post named after the Algonquin work Kebec, meaning "where the river narrows" (referring to the St. Lawrence River). According to the Canadian Tourism Network, Quebec is the only walled city north of Mexico and is also home to the oldest inn of North America. I hear it's home to the oldest road in North America, too.

I was a missionary in Quebec from 1996-1998, and really love that place. I wish I would have known about this celebration sooner than today. Maybe I could have planned a trip there. Oh well.

Bon Anniversaire, Ville de Québec!

The Dentist

Today I went to the dentist for my semi-annual cleaning. Good news! No cavities. I've got a couple of areas that "we will be watching," so I just need to be sure to brush and floss extra good in those spots. I got the standard bag of swag as I left, which is good, because now I get to use a safety orange-colored toothbrush. That thing is so bright, that I could tie it to my head and go hunting without worrying about being shot. No joke. It's cool, though, because orange is one of my fifteen favorite colors.

I like my dentist. He used to live in my ward when I was growing up, so he's kind of a family friend. Also, I've known his hygienist since before my mission (like about 13 years or so), so I guess we're old friends now. That said, I learned something today while I was getting my check-up. If ever your dentist or hygienist says, "We have a new tool that we'll be using on you today," you need to be very afraid. That is dental-speak for "We've been getting complaints that our other tools are too kind. This one is specifically designed to cause the maximum pain allowable without a prescription." I was only there for a cleaning, but this new tool really felt like they were removing portions of my gums in order to expose the root and use my nerve endings as a banjo.

It's all good though. Soon I'll be able to eat solid foods again. And I really love that smooth, just-polished feeling that you get after you've been to the dentist.

The wait is over...

The wait is over (see this post). I finally have my results from my last section of the CPA Exam. I needed a 75 and I got a 68. Yeah, I'm pretty bummed about it.

So now I get to pay another $300, study a bunch of boring crap for many more hours, and try to take that section again before the end of July when my score expires from the first section I took. If I can somehow manage to pass that section before the end of next month, then I will get a letter in the mail that says, "Congratulations! You're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggonit people like you." Otherwise... well, at least it's Monday.

Jokes From the Mailman

The mailman that delivers to my office always has a joke to tell as he drops off our mail. Usually I don't get to hear them, since my office is in the back corner, far from the front door. Sometimes I get lucky, though, and I'm up front when he comes in.

Here's a couple of jokes he has told lately:

They recently completed some drug testing at the Post Office. Do you know what drug they didn't find in any of the employees? Speed.


Q: Why do single men live longer than married men?
A: Because they want to.


A blonde just got her first cell phone. A couple of days later, she was shopping at the mall and her phone rang. She answered it and it was her boyfriend calling. After a few minutes of conversation, she said, "I didn't tell you I was going to the mall. How did you know to call me here?"

Funny funny mailman.

Soggy Triathlon

Swim. Bike. Run!

So yesterday was the Salem Spring Triathlon. It was the second year that I have been to that race. Not as a participant, mind you. Heavens, no. I was a spectator both times. Kristina is the one that likes to do this kind of thing. Last year was her first year, and she enjoyed herself so much she wanted to do it again this year. I've thought about doing a triathlon myself, but then I remembered that I don't like to run and I'm not a very good swimmer. Maybe I could do just the bike part and have someone else do the other two parts. But then... it's not much of a triathlon, is it?






Here's Kristina before the race started. It was about 7:00 am, and the rain was coming down. It had been raining for about three hours at this point, and it showed no sign of letting up. Oh... and it was pretty chilly. Do you see that murky green pond in the background? That's where the swim part of the race took place.

This is Kristina with Brittany. She teaches first grade at one of the schools Kristina worked at this last year. Still raining.

Here's Kristina in the transition area. She has her official Salem Tri silver/gray swim cap and her wetsuit on in preparation for the swim. Good thing, too, because... go back up and look at the picture of the green pond. You can also see the cool road bike we rented for this race. Sadly, by this time, the race officials had cancelled the bike portion of the race. Since part of the bike course was in a canyon, they felt that it was too dangerous to have 600 people riding in the rain down a canyon. Something about wet brakes making it very difficult to stop or slow down. Too bad, because Kristina had a really cool bike that she was excited to use.

Here's Kristina's heat, getting ready for the swim to start at about 10:00 am. At this point, the rain had mostly stopped, but it was still kinda chilly, especially when the wind would blow. Oddly enough, the water felt warmer than the outside air, so racers generally didn't mind being in there... even though the water is green. Here's a fun game: look at the above picture and see if you can find Kristina. It's kind of a Where's Waldo sort of thing. Enjoy!

Here's the women 35 and under starting the swim. See Kristina in there?

Here's Kristina, swimming to the end of the 500 meters (because of the weather, they shortened the swim course from 800 meters).

Kristina is finished with the swim at this point and is running to the transition area.

Still running to the transition area.

Here she is in the transition area. On a normal Salem Spring Triathlon, she'd be getting all set to ride her bike about 12 miles. Not this day.

She's off on the run! They kept the running portion at 5k.

Here she is, coming back from the 5k, headed towards the final few feet to the finish line. See how happy she is? That's because she knows she's almost done. Okay... actually we staged this picture because when she was actually coming back from the run, I pushed the button on the camera too late, and all I got was her leg as she passed me by. This pic was taken about a half hour after she crossed the finish line. Here's the real picture as she was finishing the race:

There weren't as many people at the race this year because of the weather, and because they cancelled the bike portion. Of the approximately 600 people that signed up, only about 400 actually did the race.

Here's Kristina with her bike after the race. Look at those clouds up against the mountains. When they moved a few minutes later, they revealed snow pretty low in the hills.

They write on your arms and legs your race number and your age. You also have a race number that you pin to yourself and one that you stick to your bike. I guess they write them on your arms and legs so that if they pull you out of the pond they can identify you.

So Kristina said it was a fun race, even though they cancelled the bike part. Last year there were three of our friends from our last ward there who were also racing. This year, only one of them raced. The other two took their wives on an Alaskan cruise. They still paid their money for the race to get their shirts, though. Hmm...

This last picture is of a sign we saw as we were driving home from Salem. Salem is just south of Spanish Fork, and as we entered Spanish Fork, we saw this:

"Home of Pride And Progress!" I really thought this was funny. I know when I think of progress, Spanish Fork is the first town that comes to mind.

Trapped!

Maybe the DMV shouldn't hand out driver licenses so easily. They really should make you take a test or something...
______________________________

From KUTV 2 News, 6/2/08:

Woman Calls Orem Police To Free Her From Her Locked Car

Automatic car features are supposed to make life easier for motorists, but they may be leaving some people without the know-how to do things the old-fashioned way. That’s what happened to a driver in Utah County who became trapped inside her own car.

A woman called Orem police Friday afternoon needing help because her battery died and she was locked inside her car.

When police arrived, they found the woman sitting in the car, unable to get herself out. She couldn’t hear the officers instructions through the rolled-up windows so she motioned to them to call her on her cell phone, according to police.

Once officers were able to talk to the woman on the phone, they were able to tell her how to manually operate the slide lock mechanism on the inside door panel to open the door and free herself.

“I'm just glad she had a cell phone to call for help,” an officer said.

Thought for the day...

I found this quote yesterday, and I really like it:

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
~ Dr. Seuss

The Waiting

Do you know that Tom Petty song? The chorus goes:

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part.


That's what I'm doing right now. I took my test last Thursday. I don't find out how I did until sometime this month.

About the test: I was allowed four and a half hours to take it and I took a little more than four hours. It was pretty grueling. The exam was computer-based and had 5 different sections: 3 multiple-choice sections of 30 questions each, and 2 simulation sections which are basically case studies where you have to do some research, write some form of communication (usually a memo) based on the topic, and do some fill-in-the-blank and pick-a-choice-from-a-drop-down-menu types of questions. I usually do best at multiple choice questions, but on this test, I really think I did better at the simulations. Some of those multiple-choice questions were pretty tough. Oh I forgot to mention that one of the sections was an "evaluation" section. That means that the people that design the exam are evaluating that section to see how test-takers do, so that they can decide if they need to make any changes before they include those sections on future exams. It also means my responses don't count for that section. They don't tell you which section is the evaluation section. It could be one of the multiple-choice sections or it could be one of the simulation sections. I just hope the evaluation section was the section I did the worst on... whichever one that was.

I have no idea how I did. I think I did pretty good on some parts, and I think I nailed some questions. But others... well, they were guesses. I just hope I passed. I need a score of 75 or better to pass.

So here I wait. I'll be checking the examiner's Web site daily this month to see how I did, but until some number magically appears in that little box on their site, I get to wait.

I need a break!

Lately I have been studying like a madman for my final section of the CPA exam. It's the auditing section. I take it on Thursday, and I'm really nervous about it. Auditing is not my strong point. I took a class in auditing as part of my bachelors degree, but that was about 6 or 7 years ago. I'm not remembering much from that class, so I've been doing a LOT of reading lately. I have taken the day off tomorrow, and I will spend the entire day doing practice test questions to hopefully prepare me for the exam Thursday afternoon.

Anyway, I needed a break from studying for a minute, so I found a few funny videos that I wanted to post.

The first is a video made by a friend of my sister's, and is worth a chuckle or two. The second is "The Man Cold" and is just so dang funny. The third is Donny Osmond having all his dreams come true with Jimmy Kimmel. The last one is President Monson from this past April's General Priesthood Meeting.

Enjoy!

New computer

Here at work, we got some new computers a couple of months ago. We haven't set them up yet, though, because you have got to be crazy to make any technological changes in March or April in a CPA office that specializes in taxes. It's like inviting disaster.

A few years ago the power went out for about two hours on April 15th. That was exciting. Turned out a dump truck driver forgot to put down his dump bed thing and drove under some power lines at a power substation. Genius. Knocked out power in about half of the Salt Lake Valley. I'm sure there were more than a few swears heard that day.

Anyway, we haven't wanted to mess with these computers until after crunch time was over. So we have had these Dell boxes sitting around the office for a couple of months, waiting for someone to get bored enough to set them up. I guess I was the first one to get bored enough, so the job is mine to set these computers up. That, and I have the least amount of seniority. Hooray for peeons!

I usually like playing with new technology, and it's pretty cool to look at my room right now. I have three monitors on my desk, two CPUs on the floor and two more on my desk. I have two CPUs hooked up to one of the monitors, and I can switch back and forth between the two of them as I install the software. I guess you could say I have phenomenal cosmic power and an itty-bitty working space. If I had a camera with me (or a camera-phone that worked right) I would show you. It's very impressive.

Anyway, I say I usually like playing with new technology, but right now I find myself silently cursing the Microsoft Corporation. Why on earth would they take something like Windows XP, which they finally got to work with relatively few errors, and pervert it into Windows Vista?!?!? Of the 20-30 applications that I have the joy and pleasure of installing on all of these computers, I think there are 5 which don't have "known compatibility issues" with Vista. I have had to figure out all sorts of work-arounds to get these programs installed. Oh... and just because two applications (different versions of QuickBooks) are made by the same company (Intuit), that doesn't mean that the work-arounds will be the same. Sure is fun trying to figure out which things to install in what order and which error messages to ignore and which .DLL files to delete and reinstall after the program install finishes.

I think Bill Gates should be dragged into the street and tried for his crimes against humanity.

I would say we should switch it up and go to Macs (because my wife really has enjoyed her MacBook and I have really enjoyed their TV commercials), but of the above-mentioned 20-30 applications, I think approximately zero work on a Mac.

At least my desk looks cool right now.

Oh the Humanity!

Did you hear about this news story?

Truck accident spills 14 tons of Oreo cookies on Illinois interstate; no injuries
Associated Press
May 19, 2008

MORRIS, Ill. - Police say a trailer loaded with 14 tons of double-stuffed Oreos has overturned, spilling the cookies still in their plastic sleeves into the median and roadway.

Illinois State Police Sgt. Brian Mahoney says the truck's driver was traveling from Chicago to Morris on Interstate 80 around 4 a.m. Monday when he fell asleep at the wheel and slammed into the median.

"The boxes came out of the trailer and boxes were ripped open," he said.

The crash about 50 miles southwest of Chicago remains under investigation. Mahoney says no charges have been filed but both lanes of traffic remain closed while authorities remove the cookies.
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Gas prices are astronomical, wheat and corn prices are up there as well, there are shortages of rice, and now this happens? Mark my words: you will see dramatic increases in the cost of Oreos in the coming days as the effects of this tragedy trickle down to your local supermarket. Don't think it will stop there, either. With the supply of Oreos diminished, there will be runs on grocery stores. People will be hoarding the popular sandwich cookie. When the Oreo shelves are barren, you can bet that other brands of cookies will be grabbed as substitutes. Once the hoards of shoppers have filled their carts with the delicious snacks, they will realize you can't eat Double Stuf Oreos without milk (although I can... I don't really like milk)! There will be a mad dash to the dairy sections of supermarkets and milk will literally disappear off of the shelves! Fights will ensue as people grapple for the same carton of white goodness! Prices will inevitably rise! We will soon be wishing for the days when milk cost only $4 a gallon! WHEN WILL IT END?

Thomas Jefferson said: "Every generation needs a new revolution." I think now is the time. We must rise up, my friends, and break these shackles that are binding us! Join with me in a bloodless coup for lower food and fuel prices! Viva la Revolución!

But first, I'm going to go eat some Oreos.

Jerry Seinfeld

I did it. I broke down and bought a couple of tickets to see Jerry Seinfeld when he comes to Salt Lake in June. They were kinda pricey, but we didn't go when he came last time (a few years ago), and we heard from someone that did go that it was absolutely hilarious. I wouldn't expect anything else. We watch reruns of his TV show almost daily, and I even have one of his books (I wonder where that is... note to self: find that book and re-read it). So, I decided that we needed to go to it.

When the 2002 Winter Olympics were here, we went downtown a couple of times to check out the action, but we didn't go to any of the competitions. Tickets to Olympic events were pretty expensive, and we were pretty poor, but we are forever kicking ourselves that we didn't just buy some tickets to something so that we could see some Olympic competition in person. In retrospect, we could have cut back somewhere and been able to make it work. Eating peanut butter and pasta (not necessarily at the same time) for a month or two would have been fine. I mean, how often do the Olympics come to your town? Duh. We were lame.

So we're going to see Jerry Seinfeld. He's very funny, and one of the top comedians of "my time." I think if we didn't go we'd probably wish we would have.

Run, Forrest, Run!

Kristina, my wife, likes to run races. She doesn't necessarily enjoy running, but she likes races (and the shirts you get for participating). I think she's a little disturbed. She talked me into running a 5k once. Once. It wasn't a horrible experience, I'll give you that, but it's not one that I would say I enjoyed. I did get a long-sleeved T out of the deal, so that's pretty cool, I guess.

A few months ago, she got the idea into her head to run the Wasatch Back Relay, a race sponsored by the renowned Ragnar Race Series. Yeah, I've never heard of them, either. Apparently Ragnar does several of these types of races throughout the year to help people punish themselves. I think they're secretly run by Opus Dei (this is a reference to The Da Vinci Code -- so if you haven't seen the movie or read the book, you might not get it).

Anyway, Kristina put together a team of 12 runners to run a relay race from Logan, Utah to Park City, Utah. I'll save you the trouble of looking it up on MapQuest: it's 178 miles. Each of the 12 runners take 3 legs over two days. Wait... that sentence looks a little weird. Let's try again. Each runner runs 3 different sections of the race, and the race takes place over two days in June. Yes, they run through the night. People think this is fun. People are sick.

I have been recruited to drive one of the support vehicles for Kristina's team. I'm actually pretty excited to be a driver. I've seen pictures of the race course from the Ragnar Web site, and it looks very pretty. Maybe I'll have to bring a camera and take some pictures. I just hope the vehicle I drive has good A/C. I don't want to be stuck in a large van with a bunch of smelly runners.

So Kristina has been doing a little bit of training to get ready for the race. She's been going to our local gym to run and to take some spinning classes to build up her endurance and increase her speed. This last weekend she ran a 5k that was sponsored by our local junior high school. Proceeds went to Primary Children Medical Center, so that's good. Anyway, she ran this race and did pretty good. In fact she actually got a medal. I should have taken a picture of it to post on my blog. That would have been cool of me. Probably I'll have to do that sometime. Here's a link to the results of the race: http://www.lehijrhigh5k.blogspot.com. As a side note, the overall race winner is a friend of mine from high school. He's also on Kristina's Wasatch Back team. Apparently he's pretty speedy.

So way to go, Kristina! Way to win a medal in a race. I think that's really cool.

May Day!

It's May 1, 2008, and what is the temperature at my house? 34, thank you very much. I even woke up to a dusting of snow. Now that I'm at work, I look out my window and I see dark gray clouds and some snow falling. Did I mention that it's May? Oh ok. Eight years ago, when my wife and I woke up the day after our wedding (which was May 10), we woke up to a few inches of fresh snow. It melted later in the day, but still... I guess it's not too weird to have snow in Utah in May, but it's not what we want right now. Talk to me in six months.

I guess it could be worse, though. Here I sit in a comfortably-heated office, while my sister is riding with her son on a big yellow school bus to the zoo. They are going to freeze!

Anyway, a new month is here, so that means I need to change the page of my Demotivator wall calendar. Do you know about Demotivators? They are pretty pictures and nice sayings designed to give you less reason to work harder or be more productive. This month's is called "Customer Care." I'm not necessarily saying that this is my company's unwritten motto...


I think Demotivators are hilarious. My wife introduced me to them when I was in college, and she has given me a Demotivator calendar every year for... how many years now? At least our entire marriage, I think. There are more than 90 different de-motivating thoughts. I dare you to read them and not laugh out loud. I thought about typing them all out--or posting all the pictures--for your enjoyment, but when you read the one called "Procrastination," you'll see why I didn't.

Okay, I'll post one more picture. It's one of my absolute favorites. My mother-in-law works in a high school career center and likes to put this picture on the wall...


Some kids don't get it. They're the same ones who will soon be asking you, "You wanna super size that?"

First Post

Here I am, joining the world of the bloggers.

Wow.

Did I ever think this would happen? Not really. I'm kinda slow with technology and popular trends (BTW, I'm looking for a Splash the Whale Beanie Baby. I just started a collection. If anyone knows where I can get one, let me know).

I guess we have my sister, Tammy, to thank for this. She talked me into it. I guess that's okay, because she does say nice things about me, and she even gave me an award once--even if it was a 'woman' award.

So welcome to my blog! Please make yourself at home. Remember that I can't afford a maid service, so if you make a mess, please clean up after yourself.

I wish this debut was more exciting, but I don't know how to add balloons and finger foods and fanfare to my blog yet. Ta da! Maybe that will have to do.

I know there are literally thousands (give or take) of you who have been anxiously awaiting this debut. The media circus outside my house has been relentless over the past several days. Some of you may have seen the feature that Good Morning America did on me this morning. Let me just say that the camera wasn't exaggerating: I really am that good looking. If you missed the story, you can see it here. I hope that the link works. I'm still new to this, and I haven't figured out how to add links yet.

My blog has only been alive for less than a month, and it hasn't even had a post until now, but that hasn't stopped so many of you from emailing me in anticipation of the first posting. I received many interesting questions such as, 1)"'Stubby Red Pencil' is a really dumb name for a blog." and 2)"Where did you get the name for your blog?" and 3)"Why did you name your blog after that?!?" and many, many others. I'll answer the questions in the order they were received.

1) The first one isn't even a question, so there's no need for a response.

2) I got the name for my blog from the stubby red pencil that is pictured above. More on that later...

3) I named my blog after that stubby red pencil because the 73 other names and phrases that I tried before this one were already taken. I really was scraping at the bottom of the barrel when I thought of "Stubby Red Pencil." So the short answer to your question is... because no one else wanted it.

You're probably asking yourself, "How did he come across such a nifty piece of writing tool?" My friends, that pencil is actually the remains of a pencil that I have used for a couple of years at my job.

You: Really?

Me: Yes.

You: You seriously have used a red pencil until it was a stubby little nub?

Me: Absolutely I have. I wouldn't lie about something so insignificant.

You: Why doesn't your work buy you a new pencil?

Me: Have you seen where I work?

I'm an accountant. Accountants are generally pretty cheap. I use a red pencil to make little marks on my work papers as I prepare tax returns so that I know what numbers I have used and what ones I haven't...

You: [YAWN!]

Me: I know. Sorry about that. I'll try to be more exciting in the future.

So here I am, a blogger. I have now officially entered a world where friends and family members can stay caught up with each others' lives without the bother of actually talking to each other or the pain of seeing each other in person.

Hooray for me.