Spam

Like everyone in the world who has an email address, I am not immune to spam.  On a side note, I wish I was immune to SPAM... that stuff is nasty!  A girl that used to work in my office would eat it at least once a week.  She'd slice it and microwave it and stink up the entire office.  Yuck.  At Scout Camp when I was a kid, SPAM was on the lunch menu on Thursdays.  Every year.  Lunch on those days would have been much happier for me -- and more satisfying -- if I was immune to SPAM.

But I digress.

Today's post is not about Hormel Foods' atrocities... although I do feel they should be tried for their crimes against humanity.  How else could I say this?  If Hormel was President, they'd be impeached because of their High Crimes and Misdemeanors.  If we both were in the Old West, I think I probably would have led the mob that ran Hormel out of town on a rail.

You: Wow, for a post that is not about SPAM, you are devoting an awful lot of screen space to the product.

Me: You're correct: it is awful.  Moving on...

No, today's post is about spam... those annoying messages that fill your inbox, in the hopes that maybe you will click on a link and give up personal information, or buy some crappy product, or infect your computer with a virus or other nastiness.  I see a correlation here: crappy products... infecting you with nastiness... that HAS to be why they call it spam!  So much like Hormel's canned cr....

You: Again with the SPAM?

Me: Sorry.

Anyway, most of the spam that is sent to me gets filtered straight to my junk folder where it is nicely corralled and sent to oblivion.  Every few days, I'll skim through that folder to make sure no important messages are accidentally filtered there.  I get the usual garbage... ads for numerous pills and supplements to enlarge various bits-n-pieces... products to help me reach my financial goals... cruise deals... timeshares... messages in broken English that purport to be from a national bank of which I am not a customer... you know, the usual.

Lately, though, I've noticed I've started to get a lot of Russian spam.  Written in Russian.  Like this:
Вам нужна хорошая, качественная реклама?
According to Google Translate, this says, "You need a good, high-quality advertising?"

Or this:
изучите английский за неделю до путешествия! 
Which means, "Learn English for a week before the trip!"

Yep.  Little ol' American me, getting ads for some Russian to teach me English or take care of my advertising.

The latest -- and perhaps most intriguing -- spam I've received came just yesterday, and it was sent straight to my inbox, not my junk folder.  It's written in Danish.  Here it is:

konfektkage

  

1500 g kranse xx

14 æg

675 g sukker

350 g nøddeflager

675 g chokolade i små stykker eller knapper

350 g blødt smør

4,5 tsk. bagepulver

Det hele røres sammen, puttes i bradepande, 180 grader i 30-40 min.

Looks like I'm now getting recipe spams.  (NOT recipes for SPAM, mind you.  All of those should be properly and promptly destroyed).

As near as I can figure, it's a recipe for something called candy cake.  There are 14 eggs involved.  And more than 5 cups of sugar.  I don't know what nøddeflager is, but it sounds delicious.  It looks like there is chocolate involved somehow, so that's a good sign.  Kranse translates to 'wreaths.'  I'm not really sure what that's all about, but you add some soft butter and baking powder and bake it for 30-40 minutes.

Even with the 14 eggs and tons of sugar, this recipe spam is bound to be a healthier choice than eating actual SPAM.

Enjoy your sugary-chocolaty-egg-wreaths!

Guilty Pleasures

I did something last night that I'm not proud of.  But it was fun and made me feel good, so that makes it okay, right?  I don't know if I'll do it again; I haven't thought that far in advance.  I try to be a good person, but sometimes temptations get the best of me.  So what if people judge me for it?  I know who I am, right?  I know I'm generally a good person, but this is really eating at me, and I just need to tell someone.  I hope that you won't judge me too harshly when I tell you what I did.

I went here last night on my way home from work:

I went there for a birthday party.  For my sister-in-law.  She's 27.  Yep.  I think it's been about 25 years since I've been to Chuck-E-Cheese's.  I really didn't know what I was missing.  Okay, I definitely knew what I was missing, and I was okay with that.

Anyway, my SIL (as I notice people write nowadays) went to Chuck-E-Cheese's many years ago, and she had really fond memories of it, so she told her husband that she wanted to go there for her birthday.  My brother-in-law can be a good sport with his wife, so he agreed.  Then he and one of his wife's co-workers arranged a small surprise party there.

She loved it!

By the time I got there at about 9:15, the place was pretty empty.  Other than our little group, there was a family who was finishing up their party (their kids looked exhausted from so much fun) and there was a couple who came with their little baby (I guess they love the over-priced pizza and the chance to trade tickets for trinkets?).

Like I said earlier, it was actually pretty fun.  For one thing, the band was awesome!

And I did get to play skee-ball, which is my favorite ticket-dispensing game of all time.  I remember playing that at the 49th Street Galleria whenever I went there as a kid.  I'm realizing I need more skee-ball in my life.

Chuck-E and the gang even sang happy birthday and did the whole song and dance number for her.  I really felt sorry for those workers, but hey... it's what they're paid for, right?

I neglected to mention that my BIL and SIL don't have kids.  My wife and I were joking with her brother that when they do have kids, the kids are going to outgrow Chuck-E-Cheese's a lot sooner than their mom will.  We imagine my SIL's 40th birthday will go something like this:

The kids will be saying, "Dad, we're tired of going to Chuck-E-Cheese's..."

And he'll reply, "Shut up and humor your mother!  You WILL go to Chuck-E-Cheese's tonight and you WILL pretend to have fun!  When the guy in the suit says 'Happy' you WILL say 'Birthday' and clap your hands."

Then the kids will say, "Do we have to hug Chuck-E?"

"No, don't be ridiculous."

And we we went on and on.  Because we're hilarious like that.

Anyway, the whole experience was... um... what's the word?  Oh, maybe I'm at a loss for words... or there just might be too many words to describe it right now.  Whatever.


So, yeah.  We closed down Chuck-E-Cheese's last night.  We are a bunch of wild and crazy people!

I'll Get To It Later...

My Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate:

1.







.

Election Day

It's municipal election day in my town. There are three people running for mayor, and about a dozen people running for a couple of spots on the city council.

It's been said that the small, local elections make more of a difference in your daily life than the big Presidential ones. I can see how that could be true. The mayor and city council have direct control over how things work in my town, and they are much more accessible than the yahoos in D.C. If I have a complaint, I can go to the mayor's office and talk to him face to face. I can write a letter to a councilperson and get a reply from them, not from some lackey who sends a form letter and signs the senator's name. I can even go to church on Sunday and talk to one particular councilman directly. They are that accessible.

That's why it's a shame that more people don't turn up for local elections. It was great that I didn't have to wait in a long line to get my ballot this morning, but there really should have been a greater turnout. Maybe more people will come during the day. Let's hope so.

I've noticed that voting sites for municipal elections are often located in places other than your usual general election voting site. I guess they do this because fewer people turn out to municpal elections, and it's easier (and cheaper) to have one or two voting sites staffed by a handful of people, instead of the many normal voting sites staffed by many, many people. The changes can get confusing to people, I'm sure.

Speaking of people that get confused about location changes, there was this one guy who added a bit of humor to my voting this morning. I got to our city rec center and went to the appropriate table. As I was presenting my ID, an old man walked into the room, and started yelling, "How do you expect us to vote when we can't find you? I went over to the school this morning where I usually go and they told me to come over here! I tells ya, it's getting to be a pain just to find where to vote!" We all just looked at him, and then a poll worker showed him which table he needed to go to.

So then I voted, and it took me all of about a minute to check the boxes I wanted to.

As I was leaving, that same old guy was apparently also finished, and he made it to the door before I did. When he got there he stopped, turned around and said, "How do you expect us to vote when we can't find you? I went over to the school this morning where I usually go and they told me. . ."

I just hurried out of the rec center, chuckling to myself and thinking, "This is a re-run. I've seen this show before."

God Bless America.

Small town life.

Yep. I live in a small town. I saw this going on last fall.

Yes, it is the 21st century, and no, we're not Amish.

I love living in a small town. I like being able to go outside at night and see stars. I like that I drive past farms and horse pastures as I drive home from work. I love that there are a couple of ponds a stone's throw from my house, and I love that they freeze in the winter so I can ice skate on them. I like that my neighborhood is quiet (even if I have a couple of moronic neighbors). I like that deer sometimes wander through my neighborhood. I don't like the skunks that so often get hit on the street, or the occasional smell from the mink farms when the wind is right, but I can live with that.

Even though my town is small, I just found out that it's about double the population of South Dakota's capital, and more than triple that of Vermont's. So... um... wow. I can only imagine the number of horse-drawn carriages in those towns.

Failures

The great philosopher, Homer, once said: "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.'" Okay, so that was actually Homer Simpson, and not some profound philosopher, but he still says some really good stuff.

So, here is an homage to people everywhere who try... and fail.

Maybe he's not all that bad...

I don't agree with much of what President Obama has done since taking office: corporate bail-outs, forced CEO resignations, increased socialism.

However, I'm pleased with his record against pirates:

Everybody has a redeeming quality or two, I guess.

Gifts That Say You Care

The other day I went into the local Army/Navy Surplus Store with some friends. It's really kind of a fun store. They have all sorts of... stuff.

One corner of the store has some new clothes that would be great for camping or hiking. Another corner has used military clothing like Army digital camo jackets and Navy pea coats and Air Force flight suits. The center of the store has all sorts of camping gear and supplies. Then you turn a corner and there are stacks and stacks of Israeli army duffle bags next to the British navy wool blankets.

In a bin next to the duffle bags and wool blankets, they have these full-head military extreme cold face warmers that look like a cross between a Jason hockey mask and Hannibal Lechter face mask. Imagine combining one of those with some used military clothing and you can have a pretty freaky (and really warm) Halloween costume.

I plan on going back and spending a few bucks.

Anyway, as we were leaving the store, I noticed they had this display case that showed some pretty cool vintage military gear. On the bottom shelf there is a clip of some large-caliber ammo, a grenade-looking thing, a pretty wicked-looking knife of some sort (which is actually a Vietnam-era LC-14-B Type IV Survival Ax - thanks Google!), and a little propaganda booklet that says, "He's due for a hole in the head, are you?" That picture might be Hitler... I can't quite tell.

The middle shelf had some more cool stuff: a medal, a patch, some random ammo, a booklet or calendar-thing, some aviator goggles, and a really cool-looking helmet and facemask with a filtration canister (Speaking of freaky Halloween costumes). Imagine coming upon a guy wearing that thing in the dark... or daylight. Wow.

The top shelf had some books, a couple more patches, and some old miltary hats. Then I noticed what was written on the side of the display case:

"Gifts that say you care."

Really.

Because nothing says you care more than a scary gas mask, a grenade, and a LC-14-B Type IV Survival Ax.

By the way, who's turn is it to get me presents for Christmas?

What's in a name?

I think sometimes people need to think twice before they name their kids... or marry someone.

An example: My boss has a client named Terry. This man married a woman named Teri. I am not joking. Kinda obnoxious to try to call their house.

Other times, I wonder if maybe someone is just playing a joke.

An example: A recent article in the Friend (a magazine published by the LDS Church) was written by someone named Paige Turner. Yep. An author is named Paige Turner. As in "Wow, that book is so good! It's really a page-turner!"

So those are two examples that I came up with. If I think of any others, I'll let you know. Do you have any?

Why Did the Duck Cross the Road?

Okay, this is a really quick post. Yesterday I was driving down the street after leaving work, and I encountered this. I thought it was pretty great.

Fast Food Bud

I don't go out to eat very often.  At least I don't think I do.  I bring my lunch to work in a brown paper sack from home each day.  (My wife is really nice to make me a lunch).  During tax season, though, sometimes I get hungry at about dinner time.  There's only so many times I can eat ramen without puking, so I do venture out of my basement office for some fast food more often at this time of year than I normally would.

Today I decided to go to the world's first KFC.  Used the drive-thru.  Placed my order.  And the guy inside called me "Bud" no less than 10 times.  I'm not joking.  I hope that someone dared him to say Bud as many times as he could, otherwise, he's got some issues.  Maybe he should change up the names he calls people and not use Bud so much.  Try Ace... or Sport... or Slick... or Big Guy... or Chief...  There are a lot of options.

Here's our conversation, basically:

Guy: "Welcome to KFC, what can I make for you tonight?"

Me: "I'll have chicken fried steak meal, please."  (I know it's not good for me, but it tastes so good.)

Guy: "Okay, Bud, I got a fried steak meal.  Do you want a drink, too, Bud?"

Me: "Sure."

Guy: "Okay, Bud.  I've got that drink for you.  What else can I get for you, Bud?"

Me: "That's it, thanks."

Guy: "Okay, Bud, your total is $$$.  Please pull to the second window, Bud."

Then I drive up there and the conversation continues...

Guy: "How are you doing tonight, Bud?"

Me: "Fine, thanks."

Guy: "Your total is $$$."

I hand over the money and then...

Guy: "Okay, Bud.  Here's your drink and here's your change.  And here's your fried steak meal.  Anything else I can get for you, Bud?"

Me: "No, I'm good, thanks."

Guy: "Alright, you have a good evening, Bud."

As I left I said, "You, too, Chief!"

Time to get a CPA?

How can you tell when you should get a CPA to do your taxes for you?

There are a number of indicators, really.  Here are just a few:

1) If you start a business for yourself, get a CPA to make sure you are doing everything right.  You want to make sure you're getting all your deductions, and (maybe more importantly), you want to make sure you're not deducting things you shouldn't (like a friend of mine who used to live down the street).  It's a lot cheaper to do it right the first time rather than getting audited.

2) If you're a year or two behind in filing your taxes, a CPA can usually help you get back on track.

3) If you feel you have better things to do with your time than filling out a tax return, then you might want to get a CPA to do it for you.

4) If you've ever written this on your tax return form that you have filed with the IRS:

If you can't read what this person wrote it says, "I don't know what they are?"  If you've ever written this -- or something like this -- probably it's a good idea to get a CPA to help you.  The IRS doesn't like to read notes like this, because it makes them realize that you have no idea what you're doing, and probably your return would be an excellent return to audit.  (Oh, and to answer your questions before you ask them... this is not from a client of mine, and I have no idea who wrote this note.  And yes, it was actually filed with the IRS.)

Wow.  Two posts in a row about taxes.  Sorry, but that's my life right now.

It's a shame, really

*** BREAKING NEWS ***

The IRS just issued an announcement (Announcement 2009-17).  To spare you the pain of actually reading it, allow me to summarize.

Basically, the IRS is suspending the tax exempt status for any organization that has been designated as supporting or engaging in terrorist activity or supporting terrorism.  As a result, contributions made to such an organization during the suspension period are not deductible for federal tax purposes.  

How does this affect you?  You can't deduct any donations to Al Qaeda or groups such as these.  What a shame.

Is this really a concern?  Are there really that many Americans donating to organizations like this and then trying to deduct those donations on their tax returns?  Or, if you are an organization like that, are you really trying to get U.S. tax exempt status?  You know, Al Capone was finally caught because of tax problems... he could hide from the FBI, but he couldn't hide from the IRS.  Maybe that's the secret to catching terrorists.  

Okay, so maybe this isn't really that funny, but I thought it was funny.

Demorgatization

My sister and I (mostly my sister) made up a new word today.  It's demorgatization.  It is defined by us as what happens when you chew gum so long that it loses all its qualities of gum.  You know what I mean, don't you?  You chew and chew and long after the flavor is gone, your gum suddenly becomes a blob of disgusting mess inside your mouth.  

Here's an example:

Me: "Eww!"

You: "What's wrong?"

Me: "I was chewing this pomegranate gum and all of a sudden it demorgatized!" 

You: "Oh, that's sick.  Spit it out before it becomes an ooze that you won't be able to wash away!"

Me: "Too late."

So there you go.  Please pass this word on to others and use it in your daily speech.  I really want it to appear in the dictionary soon.

Thank you.

'Tis the Season...

To all my Democrat friends: 

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. 


To all my Republican friends: 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

May GOD BLESS YOU AND YOURS!

For how long?

So today at work I have run out of things to do.  Whenever that is the case, I 'get' (read: am forced) to read tax updates -- changes in tax laws, regulations, and administrative procedures.  Believe me, it's nowhere near as exciting as it sounds.  Right now I'm reading about substantiation and reporting requirements for charitable deductions.

You: YAWN!

Me: I know...

Anyway, I came to this part that talks about how long to keep an appraisal in your records.  The tax regulation says this: "for as long as it may be relevant in the administration of the internal revenue laws."  (emphasis added)

I don't think anyone actually knows what that means.  In fact, I think that the people who write the tax laws and regulations actually get paid by the word, and that phrase gets them a whole lot more money than simply writing "forever" would.

No wonder people keep talking about overhauling the tax code.

Take Cover!

My wife got this email today at school:

University Police would like the campus community to know that the

helicopter buzzing our campus is not a threat.

The university has hired the helicopter to help with a film that is being 

prepared. Filming is scheduled to continue through today and Saturday.

We apologize for the disturbance.

Apparently people in the Provo, Utah area are a little paranoid, and think they're under attack.  I'm not sure what the helicopter they're using looks like, but I'm pretty sure that unless it looks like this:

...there should be no cause for alarm.  Unless, of course, they're attending BYU-Baghdad.

Juice

I am getting over a cold, and my wife is starting her cold (we share everything).  Over the past couple of weeks -- and for the next couple of weeks -- my wife and I have been (and will be) drinking a lot of juice.  We usually buy the frozen concentrate because it's cheaper than the stuff that comes in the cartons or jugs.  We've noticed that often the stuff in the cartons and jugs is from concentrate anyway, so we figure we're being money-wise.

So, I was making up some juice the other day, and I looked at the label to make sure that I didn't add too much (or too little) water.  You know, it's pretty sick to try to drink watered-down juice.  Anyway, I looked at the label and the instructions said to mix 1 can of concentrate with about 3 cans of water... that's pretty much the standard ratio.  But what intrigues me is what's printed right above the nutrition facts.  Take a look:

"Contains 100% juice when properly reconstituted."

Umm... what does it contain before it's properly reconstituted?  300% juice?

Mailman Humor

Today's joke from the mailman:

Q: When do you know a politician is telling the truth?

A: When he calls another politician a liar.


_

Monday Jokes

Here are some jokes for your Monday morning. They might not be politically-correct, so if you are easily offended, maybe you should just keep on surfing.

Are you ready? Here we go!


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the front porch?
Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in a lake?
Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the bushes?
Russell

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to waterski?
Skip

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mailbox?
Bill

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs in a stream?
Brooke

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pot of water?
Stu

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who also has no head?
Chester

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who fell in a meat grinder?
Chuck

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole 6 feet deep?
Doug

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole 3 feet deep?
Douglas

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the restroom?
John

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a piece of paper?
Mark


I'm so immature.
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