One way? Nah... it's MY way!

A few years ago (like nine years ago), my wife and I and a bunch of friends took a trip to Hawaii.  We rented a van so that we could all drive together on the island, and since I was the oldest I was elected to be chauffeur.  Lucky me.

One night we were driving around Honolulu, looking for a specific restaurant.  I was at the wheel, and we were all on the lookout.  Someone noticed that we had just passed it, and so I turned down a side street so that I could turn around and find a place to park.  If you've ever been to Honolulu, you may know that there are a lot of one-way streets in the city.  A lot.

After turning down this particular road, I immediately noticed all the cars that were parked on the street were facing me.  Crud... wrong way on a one-way.  Luckily, there wasn't much traffic on this side street, but I immediately noticed a car coming towards us.  I decided I would pull over, wait for it to pass, and then I would turn around and no one would be the wiser.  As the car approached, however, I realized that it was one of the fine Honolulu Police vehicles, and that it was slowing down so the officer could have a little chat with me.  Just my luck.  Of all the streets in Honolulu, I chose to drive the wrong way down one that had a police officer on patrol.  He pulled up next to us, and we had the following conversation:

Him: Good evening, sir.  Are you from out of town?  (Gee... wonder how he guessed that?)

Me: Yes, Officer.  We made a wrong turn.

Him: Yes, you did.  Where are you from?  (At this point he was poking his head into the van to see how many of us there were and, no doubt, to see if there was any trace of an alcohol smell.)

Me: We're from Utah.

Him: Utah?  Are you Mormons?

Me: Yes, sir, we are. (I'm also an idiot, but thanks for not pointing that out.)

Him: Go to BYU?

Me: Some of us do.

Him: (Chuckling) Well, you're obviously not drunk, so have a nice evening and pay closer attention to the road signs from now on.

Okay, now fast forward a few years in my life to just a couple of years ago.  The end of tax season for me perfectly aligned with the end of winter semester for my wife.  Since this rarely happens, we decided to take full advantage of the timing, and we planned a trip to Williamsburg, Virginia, and the surrounding area.  It was one of our most favorite trips we've taken.

One of the friends we went to Hawaii with -- Camille -- lived in D.C. at the time, and we arranged a day when we could meet up with her and spend some time together.  We decided to spend much of the day in Richmond, Virginia, taking in many of the Civil War and Revolutionary War historical sites.  We met her at a shopping center parking lot, and she rode with us for the day.

At some point in the day, we were looking for the Maggie Walker National Historic Site.  I had directions and I had the address, and we were driving around Richmond trying to find it.  As we were moving along a street, we noticed we passed it so I turned onto a side street to turn around and find a place to park.

Yep.  One way.  The wrong way.

This time (thankfully) there wasn't a policeman to discuss the situation with.  There wasn't even another person within eyesight to see what a moron of a driver I am.  That was nice, especially because we discovered that Maggie Walker was closed that day.  It would have been a shame to get a ticket on a wasted effort.

To my recollection, those are the only two times that I have gone the wrong way on a one-way street.  I think Camille might be bad luck.

Spam

Like everyone in the world who has an email address, I am not immune to spam.  On a side note, I wish I was immune to SPAM... that stuff is nasty!  A girl that used to work in my office would eat it at least once a week.  She'd slice it and microwave it and stink up the entire office.  Yuck.  At Scout Camp when I was a kid, SPAM was on the lunch menu on Thursdays.  Every year.  Lunch on those days would have been much happier for me -- and more satisfying -- if I was immune to SPAM.

But I digress.

Today's post is not about Hormel Foods' atrocities... although I do feel they should be tried for their crimes against humanity.  How else could I say this?  If Hormel was President, they'd be impeached because of their High Crimes and Misdemeanors.  If we both were in the Old West, I think I probably would have led the mob that ran Hormel out of town on a rail.

You: Wow, for a post that is not about SPAM, you are devoting an awful lot of screen space to the product.

Me: You're correct: it is awful.  Moving on...

No, today's post is about spam... those annoying messages that fill your inbox, in the hopes that maybe you will click on a link and give up personal information, or buy some crappy product, or infect your computer with a virus or other nastiness.  I see a correlation here: crappy products... infecting you with nastiness... that HAS to be why they call it spam!  So much like Hormel's canned cr....

You: Again with the SPAM?

Me: Sorry.

Anyway, most of the spam that is sent to me gets filtered straight to my junk folder where it is nicely corralled and sent to oblivion.  Every few days, I'll skim through that folder to make sure no important messages are accidentally filtered there.  I get the usual garbage... ads for numerous pills and supplements to enlarge various bits-n-pieces... products to help me reach my financial goals... cruise deals... timeshares... messages in broken English that purport to be from a national bank of which I am not a customer... you know, the usual.

Lately, though, I've noticed I've started to get a lot of Russian spam.  Written in Russian.  Like this:
Вам нужна хорошая, качественная реклама?
According to Google Translate, this says, "You need a good, high-quality advertising?"

Or this:
изучите английский за неделю до путешествия! 
Which means, "Learn English for a week before the trip!"

Yep.  Little ol' American me, getting ads for some Russian to teach me English or take care of my advertising.

The latest -- and perhaps most intriguing -- spam I've received came just yesterday, and it was sent straight to my inbox, not my junk folder.  It's written in Danish.  Here it is:

konfektkage

  

1500 g kranse xx

14 æg

675 g sukker

350 g nøddeflager

675 g chokolade i små stykker eller knapper

350 g blødt smør

4,5 tsk. bagepulver

Det hele røres sammen, puttes i bradepande, 180 grader i 30-40 min.

Looks like I'm now getting recipe spams.  (NOT recipes for SPAM, mind you.  All of those should be properly and promptly destroyed).

As near as I can figure, it's a recipe for something called candy cake.  There are 14 eggs involved.  And more than 5 cups of sugar.  I don't know what nøddeflager is, but it sounds delicious.  It looks like there is chocolate involved somehow, so that's a good sign.  Kranse translates to 'wreaths.'  I'm not really sure what that's all about, but you add some soft butter and baking powder and bake it for 30-40 minutes.

Even with the 14 eggs and tons of sugar, this recipe spam is bound to be a healthier choice than eating actual SPAM.

Enjoy your sugary-chocolaty-egg-wreaths!