Spam

Like everyone in the world who has an email address, I am not immune to spam.  On a side note, I wish I was immune to SPAM... that stuff is nasty!  A girl that used to work in my office would eat it at least once a week.  She'd slice it and microwave it and stink up the entire office.  Yuck.  At Scout Camp when I was a kid, SPAM was on the lunch menu on Thursdays.  Every year.  Lunch on those days would have been much happier for me -- and more satisfying -- if I was immune to SPAM.

But I digress.

Today's post is not about Hormel Foods' atrocities... although I do feel they should be tried for their crimes against humanity.  How else could I say this?  If Hormel was President, they'd be impeached because of their High Crimes and Misdemeanors.  If we both were in the Old West, I think I probably would have led the mob that ran Hormel out of town on a rail.

You: Wow, for a post that is not about SPAM, you are devoting an awful lot of screen space to the product.

Me: You're correct: it is awful.  Moving on...

No, today's post is about spam... those annoying messages that fill your inbox, in the hopes that maybe you will click on a link and give up personal information, or buy some crappy product, or infect your computer with a virus or other nastiness.  I see a correlation here: crappy products... infecting you with nastiness... that HAS to be why they call it spam!  So much like Hormel's canned cr....

You: Again with the SPAM?

Me: Sorry.

Anyway, most of the spam that is sent to me gets filtered straight to my junk folder where it is nicely corralled and sent to oblivion.  Every few days, I'll skim through that folder to make sure no important messages are accidentally filtered there.  I get the usual garbage... ads for numerous pills and supplements to enlarge various bits-n-pieces... products to help me reach my financial goals... cruise deals... timeshares... messages in broken English that purport to be from a national bank of which I am not a customer... you know, the usual.

Lately, though, I've noticed I've started to get a lot of Russian spam.  Written in Russian.  Like this:
Вам нужна хорошая, качественная реклама?
According to Google Translate, this says, "You need a good, high-quality advertising?"

Or this:
изучите английский за неделю до путешествия! 
Which means, "Learn English for a week before the trip!"

Yep.  Little ol' American me, getting ads for some Russian to teach me English or take care of my advertising.

The latest -- and perhaps most intriguing -- spam I've received came just yesterday, and it was sent straight to my inbox, not my junk folder.  It's written in Danish.  Here it is:

konfektkage

  

1500 g kranse xx

14 æg

675 g sukker

350 g nøddeflager

675 g chokolade i små stykker eller knapper

350 g blødt smør

4,5 tsk. bagepulver

Det hele røres sammen, puttes i bradepande, 180 grader i 30-40 min.

Looks like I'm now getting recipe spams.  (NOT recipes for SPAM, mind you.  All of those should be properly and promptly destroyed).

As near as I can figure, it's a recipe for something called candy cake.  There are 14 eggs involved.  And more than 5 cups of sugar.  I don't know what nøddeflager is, but it sounds delicious.  It looks like there is chocolate involved somehow, so that's a good sign.  Kranse translates to 'wreaths.'  I'm not really sure what that's all about, but you add some soft butter and baking powder and bake it for 30-40 minutes.

Even with the 14 eggs and tons of sugar, this recipe spam is bound to be a healthier choice than eating actual SPAM.

Enjoy your sugary-chocolaty-egg-wreaths!

Guilty Pleasures

I did something last night that I'm not proud of.  But it was fun and made me feel good, so that makes it okay, right?  I don't know if I'll do it again; I haven't thought that far in advance.  I try to be a good person, but sometimes temptations get the best of me.  So what if people judge me for it?  I know who I am, right?  I know I'm generally a good person, but this is really eating at me, and I just need to tell someone.  I hope that you won't judge me too harshly when I tell you what I did.

I went here last night on my way home from work:

I went there for a birthday party.  For my sister-in-law.  She's 27.  Yep.  I think it's been about 25 years since I've been to Chuck-E-Cheese's.  I really didn't know what I was missing.  Okay, I definitely knew what I was missing, and I was okay with that.

Anyway, my SIL (as I notice people write nowadays) went to Chuck-E-Cheese's many years ago, and she had really fond memories of it, so she told her husband that she wanted to go there for her birthday.  My brother-in-law can be a good sport with his wife, so he agreed.  Then he and one of his wife's co-workers arranged a small surprise party there.

She loved it!

By the time I got there at about 9:15, the place was pretty empty.  Other than our little group, there was a family who was finishing up their party (their kids looked exhausted from so much fun) and there was a couple who came with their little baby (I guess they love the over-priced pizza and the chance to trade tickets for trinkets?).

Like I said earlier, it was actually pretty fun.  For one thing, the band was awesome!

And I did get to play skee-ball, which is my favorite ticket-dispensing game of all time.  I remember playing that at the 49th Street Galleria whenever I went there as a kid.  I'm realizing I need more skee-ball in my life.

Chuck-E and the gang even sang happy birthday and did the whole song and dance number for her.  I really felt sorry for those workers, but hey... it's what they're paid for, right?

I neglected to mention that my BIL and SIL don't have kids.  My wife and I were joking with her brother that when they do have kids, the kids are going to outgrow Chuck-E-Cheese's a lot sooner than their mom will.  We imagine my SIL's 40th birthday will go something like this:

The kids will be saying, "Dad, we're tired of going to Chuck-E-Cheese's..."

And he'll reply, "Shut up and humor your mother!  You WILL go to Chuck-E-Cheese's tonight and you WILL pretend to have fun!  When the guy in the suit says 'Happy' you WILL say 'Birthday' and clap your hands."

Then the kids will say, "Do we have to hug Chuck-E?"

"No, don't be ridiculous."

And we we went on and on.  Because we're hilarious like that.

Anyway, the whole experience was... um... what's the word?  Oh, maybe I'm at a loss for words... or there just might be too many words to describe it right now.  Whatever.


So, yeah.  We closed down Chuck-E-Cheese's last night.  We are a bunch of wild and crazy people!

Here Comes Santa Claus...

So far this Christmas season, I have gone to two events dressed as Santa Claus.  This is a little odd, because I'm not what you would describe as a "jolly old elf."  I'm 32 (not old).  Jolly?  Okay, I've been known to have a good time, but I'm not really so jolly.  I do have a bit of a belly, and it might jiggle a little when I laugh, but definitely not "like a bowl full of jelly."
So how did I get these two Santa gigs?

One word: Family.

My dad owns a Santa suit and used to play Santa before his head injury a few years ago.  My mom made me a fat suit when I was in high school (that's a story for a different day).  Add these two bits of costume together, and voilà!  A recipe for success.

My brother, who of course knows about the Santa suit and the fat suit, is on the activities committee in his LDS ward, and so he was involved in planning their annual Christmas party.  He asked me to come make a visit to his ward Christmas breakfast party thing.  So I put on my fat suit, and my dad's Santa suit, and my jolliest of moods, and this is what resulted:

(That's my awesome wife on my lap.)

The next day, I got a phone call from my dad.  He said their ward Christmas party had to be changed to a new night and the Santa they had originally arranged couldn't make it on the new night.  He talked to someone on their activities committee and kinda volunteered me to show up to their party, so he was calling me to see if I would be available.  So I gladly donned the costume and reprised my role.

So I got to be Santa for a bunch of kiddos in Utah.  It was really fun.  And yes... it's VERY HOT in all that getup, but playing Santa has been one of the most fun things I've done.  It's a great feeling to enter a room and have people cheer and clap because you're there.  Even if it's not really *you* they're cheering.  Then to have kids line up and crowd around you with such anticipation.  Sure, there's a bit of pressure there, but you're Santa, so it's all good.

The little kids that are about 3 to 7 years old or so are SO DANG CUTE!  Most of them would eagerly, and somewhat shyly, climb onto my lap for their little interview.  I would ask them their name, and they would tell me, while staring deeply into my eyes.  I would ask if they've been good, and they would earnestly tell me they have been.  Then I would ask them what they would like for Christmas.  Some knew exactly what they wanted and were so excited to tell me.  Others would sit there for a moment, deep in thought, before telling me their greatest Christmas wish.  Then I'd give them a little treat -- a candy cane or whatever -- and send them on their way with a pat on the back and a "Merry Christmas!"

Some kids were very nice, and brought Santa a gift of their own.  I got a cookie from one little boy, hand-colored pictures from a couple other boys, and a jingle bell on a ribbon from a little girl.  So cute!

There were a few kids that were so excited to have Santa near them, that they just hung around, watching.  Santa would be busy with other kids, but out of the corner of my eye, I would see a few kids lingering in awe, hoping for a chance to talk to Santa again.  Then when it was time to leave, these same kids would follow Santa to the door and wave at him while he left.

My small role as Santa was a heart-warming experience, and my favorite part was the kids that would just stare into my eyes with such wonder.

Merry Christmas!

How Appropriate

As Congress works feverishly to try to pass a health care bill that very few people have actually read, and as Obama meets behind closed doors with Democrats who aren't fully supporting this bill, I think it's appropriate to point out what is on my Demotivator calendar for this month:

(Click the pic for a bigger image)

http://despair.com/government.html

Have a nice month!

I'll Get To It Later...

My Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate:

1.







.

This Day in History

On this day in history:

November 19, 1863: President Abraham Lincoln delivers the Gettysburg Address, one of the most memorable speeches in American history. In just 272 words, Lincoln brilliantly and movingly reminds a war-weary public why the Union has to fight -- and win -- the Civil War.

November 19, 1969: Soccer legend Pelé scores his 1,000th goal and dedicates it to the poor children of Brazil.

November 19, 1977: Egyptian President Anwar El Sadat becomes the first Arab leader to officially visit Israel when he meets with Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin.

November 19, 1998: U.S. House of Representatives begin impeachment proceedings against President Bill Clinton.

November 19, 2009: In-N-Out Burger opens their first two burger joints along the Wasatch Front.  Each of these restaurants are about twenty minutes from my house, albeit in different directions.  There will be another one just a few minutes from my house, and it's almost finished.  I'm a little excited, but not enough to go wait in a huge line today.  Maybe tomorrow.

Some people out there (you know who you are, go hide your head in shame) aren't fans of In-N-Out, but I think they're pretty dang good... and fast... and really inexpensive.  The first In-N-Out burger I ever had was in Las Vegas, on the way home from a Disneyland trip with my wife about a year and a half ago.  That was before I ever knew about their (not-so) Secret Menu (here and here), so I only got a regular hamburger and fries.  Now that I know about the other stuff, I prefer their burgers animal style.  Sometimes a single, sometimes a double-double.  Someday if I'm feeling especially stupid, I might try a 3x3, but I will never, ever try this or this.

If I were to rank my choice of burger joints, I think I would put them in this order: Hires Big H, JCW's, Five Guys, In-N-Out.  However, this order can change, depending on my burger mood of the day.

Your history lesson is over.  You may return to your regular Thursday activities.

Confessions

Sometimes a little bit of confession can be therapeutic, and  there are a few things I need to get off my chest.  So here we go:

I slurp my popsicles.

I write myself reminders on little quarter-sheets of paper and bring them home, where they end up in random places to remind myself of what I need to do.  Sometimes I forget about the random pieces of paper, and then I find them months later, after I haven't done what I was supposed to remember to do.  I used to have a planner or a notebook when I was in school, but now I do this.  I'm not convinced that it's a better system, but it's what I do.

I have received hand-me-downs (and hand-me-ups) from every member of my wife's family, including her mom and sister.  I may or may not wear some (or a lot) of those clothes on a regular basis... Not so much the ones from her mom and sister, though.

I own a fat suit.  My mom made it for me when I was in high school so that I could play the part of a fat woman in some videos we made for assemblies.  I've used this same fat suit to play Santa Claus before.  Yep.  I'm that cool.

I enjoy making spreadsheets for every major financial decision.  I compare stores, brands, features, and prices.  I get this from my dad.  It's kind of a compulsion.

I may or may not own a pocket protector.  Okay, I do.  It was given to me as a gag gift while I was in the MTC.  I have never used it, though, but I keep it around for emergency costume situations.

If I have taken off my socks, I don't like to put that same pair back on, regardless of how long I wore them before taking them off.  Even if it was only a minute.  Also, I may or may not have a pack of brand new socks in my drawer that I have never worn.  I may or may not be saving them for some unforeseen occasion.

Sometimes I have a hard time keeping secrets.  This is especially true if I have bought my wife what I think is a good gift.  Christmas is really hard for me for this reason.  She's nice, though, and doesn't try to get it out of me and ruin the surprise.

Speaking of that, I just bought my wife a really, REALLY good Christmas gift yesterday.  I'm going crazy trying to keep it a secret.

I rarely carry cash, and so I charge everything I pay for (and then pay it off each month).  However, I usually feel embarrassed if I am charging anything under $3... so I have actually bought things I didn't really want in order to make the total go higher than $3 or $4 so that I'm more in my comfort zone of credit card use.

I may or may not have turned on my sprinklers while my neighbors were crossing through my yard.  I may or may not have laughed while they tried to figure out a way around it.  Why they don't just use the sidewalk, I will never know.  (I may or may not be the grumpy old man on my street.)

There.  I feel better.